Cherry on Top by Brown Bobbie & Ryder Caroline

Author:Brown, Bobbie & Ryder, Caroline [Brown, Bobbie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Rare Bird Books
Published: 2019-08-12T16:00:00+00:00

The Dickening

I t was another one-hundred-degree day in the East Valley, and I was rehearsing my set as Nupa watched me lazily from the couch. I had two fans on full blast, and as I stood in front of the full-length mirror with my bleach blonde hair blowing in the air, it occurred to me that I looked a lot like myself from the nineties. I could have been auditioning for a hair metal video, except now I had a few extra pounds and a dent in my head.

I assumed “comedy pose”—straight back, confident smile—and got to joking.

“People assume because I’m blonde and have big tits that I’m fucking stupid. I mean I was fucking stupid, but we broke up.”

Nupa winked at me. Next to that joke I made a no te— okay .

“I recently figured out that if I’m attracted to you, it’s a good indication that you’re a sociopath. It feels good to be self-aware. It’s like halfway to healing, right?”

Meh . I crossed that one out and carried on.

“My ex and I had issues in the bedroom. Once during sex, he asked me to hurt him. So I said, ‘You’re never going to amount to anything, and I hate your new haircut.’”

I looked at Nupa. She was sound asleep.

“When I get lonely sometimes, I think about getting back together with him, but then I think I’d rather be reincarnated as an anal bead.”

Not bad.

“I once told him to make love to me like we’re in the movies, so he flips me over, comes all over my back, and screams his own name as loud as he can in my asshole. That’s when I realized we don’t watch the same movies.”

Something about screaming into assholes has always appealed to me. A subconscious cry for help in the eternal void, aka: the Bobbie Brown Story. I made a note next to that joke— good .

My phone glowed on the bed behind me, and even though I was supposed to be practicing, I picked it up to check my messages. Maybe it was Jamie throwing me some of his crumbs. Alas, no. It was a dating app message from a guy with no profile photo. Who the fuck goes on a dating app with no profile pic? I thought. I mean, if you’re afraid of your own fucking face, so am I.

That’s kind of funny. I wrote the thought down.

Faceless Dude was asking me for nudes, so I responded with my stock answer: a photo of my favorite flesh-toned MAC lipstick.

He immediately wrote back, “ Would you consider getting your breasts enlarged?” followed by a fairly lengthy description of how he liked to snort Viagra because of the way it knocks his dick out of his shorts. “I’ll let you take the full six inches if you can handle it,” he wrote. This guy was so douchey it was almost entertaining.

“Sure. May I also suggest an aggressive banana-eating contest with full eye contact?” I wrote, adding, “The winner gets to yell his name into my butthole.

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